Do you hear me? Dead! You’ve strung me along on this story arc only to screw me over on the last mission. Spoiler alert… What’s the big idea of forcing me to chase a helicopter with a boat, but you don’t give me a fast one? Is this how you extend gameplay? By making people repeat a mission over and over again? Speaking of over and over again, how is this game getting perfect ratings when the gameplay is so repetitive – which is a detractor in every other game review? Drive to Point A. Cutscene. Drive to Point B. Kill someone at Point B or chase someone until you’ve killed them. Escape the cops. Drive to Point C. Cutscene. Rinse and repeat. A perfect game does not contain a broken camera system, bad aiming, a half-assed online lobby and tedious gameplay which highlight half of these problems. “Call of Duty 4” got it right, why can’t you?

Ok, ok… maybe I’m so upset because this is our first big fight. Maybe we just need some time apart for a bit. I’ll try and remember the good times we shared in the beginning and you can think about what a lazy b-i-t-c-h you’ve been recently. And while you’re thinking about that, take some time to ponder your lazy character design. I mean, come on! In the mission “That Special Someone,” when they opened up the van door to reveal Darko, the man Niko’s come to Liberty City to find (and his motivation for all of the missions leading up to this point), and then they end up looking like identical twins?! Either Rockstar’s character design team took an early vacation before the game shipped or they think that all Eastern European men look alike (racist bastards). At that point, I needed to have Niko shoot Darko, or Draco (whatever his name is), just on the principle that I wouldn’t want my doppelganger going around the LC, ruining my good name which I spent a ton of hours and body counts establishing.

Maybe it will be cathartic for me to take “The Incredible Hulk” rampaging through New York City, destroying everything and everyone I come across. Or maybe there’s a cheat code where I dial a phone number and Iron Man’s suit drops from the sky so that I can chase down that damn helicopter and tear its tail rotor off… That would be sweet.